john 11:25-26.

grandpa shin passed away on april 1st, 2009 9:45am. i started this post because i feel like i have things to say, but it's hard to write in words things i don't completely understand. what's most important in a time like this?

i've seen the grace of God abound in the past month of march and first week of april. seeing someone decline rapidly in health + fade away is probably one of the hardest things a person will have to do - there is a sense of waiting and helplessness after you've tried everything and nothing's worked. my grandpa was old - he was 88 years old, but there was an incredible desire to prolong his life even in the midst of his suffering. why? for our own peace of mind, i'm guessing, to have that reassurance that we did everything in our power to try and give him life, to give him peace and happiness.

God is so great and infinitely kind - i've grown to trust in His sovereign, perfect plans so much more than mine. in the past two years, He deemed it the right time to end both of my grandfathers' times here on earth. where they stand before the Lord is hidden knowledge - i won't know until my own soul is home. when grandpa cho passed away, this caused a great deal of pain. this time around, God has taught my heart to be still and listen quietly. i've found amazing joy in His grace.

it was hard to see my grandpa struggle; his dementia caused his brain to be unable to differentiate between the two tubes that would either deliver food down to the stomach or air to the lungs. this would send his saliva & mucus to the wrong tube, blocking his air passages and making it difficult for him to breathe. it was labor to remember the goodness of God.

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. - Dr. Seuss

in lamentations 3, the speaker remembers his affliction and darkness. he accounts the heaviness of God's hand upon him, the bereftness of peace, the dark of hopelessness crushing him from all sides. the speaker's response was lamentations 3:20-26:

My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation for the Lord."

this is a difficult time for my family, but it's comforting to know that our days have been numbered, like the hairs on our head, our hearts and the lessons they must learn have been predetermined lovingly by God. it's tempting to rage against the inevitable, but the peace that faith can bring is a mercy the Creator also saw fit to give to His creation.

pastor james continued onto the second part of his "sanctification: by works or faith?" series this sunday. i've been loving it and crying the "happy tears." what is most important in a time like this? it's remembering the lovingkindess of our God, the hands that shaped us with all the love of a perfect Father, the will that sent His Son to the cross and born in us a fierce hope.

"Our identity must be transformed. We are not our current righteousness or sinfulness. We are to live by faith. What has God done for me on the cross!" - Pastor James Shin.

how do we overcome grief, loss, regret? my family - and the blessedly compassionate + discerning doctors and nurses at the k.p. in irvine - gave my grandfather a couple more weeks of life and did their best to make him comfortable despite his situation. but what was expected to happen for weeks now happened - he passed away and is now hopefully rejoicing in the kingdom with his Lord. only the Lord gives eternal life, only He gives faith, only He provides permanency to relief and an end to suffering. only God can say in death He gives life, that Christ is the resurrection. people can only provide a meager shadow of the same, temporary at best.

there's so much i don't understand about death and the brevity of life, but what i have learned is that there is rest in trusting in God. there is strength in Him and nothing in us. i'm looking forward to Resurrection Sunday - He is the Giver of life, the great Defeater of death.