belated father's day.

yesterday tim & i went up to LA to celebrate the most underrated holiday of the year - fajah's day =). i sincerely think father's day got the short end of the stick when it comes to holidays. people get excited over memorial day, labor day, president's day, st. patrick's day, mother's day...not to mention the big cheese holidays: thanksgiving, christmas, new years, etc. any holiday that: a) gets them the day off of work or school, or b) involves presents.

i wish that weren't the case. in my heart, i wish i did so much more for my dad yesterday than take him out to dinner. i wish i could do something grand enough for him to lift away the burdens from his shoulders, something that could show the fullest expression of my gratitude for his years of hard work.

but that's not really what he wants. whenever we ask him what he wants for his birthday or christmas, his answer is the same, unfailingly: "i just want to spend time with you guys." haha, inevitably, we go out and buy the latest gadget for him anyway (the latest: the kindle from amazon courtesy of pj & the sis) which we know he loves fiddling around with.

marriage has done a many amazing things - for one thing, it finally dawned on me that i haven't understood my parents for most of my life (and still). it's like a cloud's been lifted from my head and i'm starting to see things clearly. some of the thoughts i've had in the past few months were:

• "whoa, mom is really good at (fill in the blank)" - this thought comes to my mind whenever she comes down and "tsks" over my inadequate house cleaning & leaves the place sparkling, goes out with me to pick furniture, decorate the house, organize, etc. she's a master of the home, and i am just beginning to learn from her.
• "i didn't know dad knew that about me" - during our wedding reception, my dad was really frank in his speech about my weaknesses & strengths and encouraged tim and me to continue to grow as individuals within our marriage, to help each other love Christ. i vividly remember some of the stuff he said, things i hadn't put to words yet but must've known in my heart. i'm learning to listen to him more closely when he shares advice & his thoughts.
• "this must be how they felt" - my parents got married when they were about the same age that tim and i are now, maybe a year earlier? anyway. the world tells me that i'm too young to be married, and a lot of times i'm tempted to agree - especially when i show signs of immaturity, inexperience, lack of perseverence....when my horns are especially green, my feet are extra tender. i look back and wonder how they did it - my mom was young, married, and in a foreign country where she had no friends or family. my dad was working a lot, dealing with family issues, and trying to be the lead for his wife. and neither of them were saved. they didn't have the community i have at church, surrounded by a crowd of believers who have been running the race & encouraging us as newlyweds that the way is narrow, but good - that there is great hope in Christ and the gospel, especially when things get hard.

tim asked me on the drive up to LA, "what's your earliest memory of your dad?" hard as i tried, i couldn't remember very much, sad i know. i was an overly excitable, rambunctious, spunky kid, so a lot of my memories were of getting into trouble by my dad. i know if i rack my brain hard enough, i'd be able to recall some meaningful father-daughter moments (like our tradition of going to baskin robbins & blockbusters, this one korean folksy song he'd sing and i'd finish, the talks i'd have with him as i grew older, the one time i had a migraine in jr. high & he picked me up and rented the sequel to lion king and made me canned soup, etc.)

yet i know why i'm so deeply thankful for my dad - he's been the one person over the past 24 years that has shown me what it means to love unconditionally, how to stand by someone even when it hurts, an example of what it means to live by principle & also passion.

he told me when i made the decision not to go to graduate school, "i'm so disappointed. i don't know how i'll be able to get over this. but, you're still my daughter, and i will always love you." at the time, those words crushed me, but looking back, i marvel at the depth of love behind his words. he had big dreams, huge hopes for his girls, but he wasn't going to reject us if we didn't embrace his expectations for our lives. he just wanted the best for us, for us to max out our potential and see what it's like to be at the top of our game, to be filled out emotionally, spiritually and experientially as adults.

my dad is a reminder to me of my relationship to my Heavenly Father, really. the difference, of course, is that my dad is flawed & imperfect, a sinner. but, the same way i know i can run to my dad, i know i come to the throne of grace to my Loving and Perfect Father with nothing to offer, no wisdom to impart, but fully embraced & protected. how could God rescue me? this wretched & forgetful hater of good? how does He keep patiently teaching me & loving me, shepherding my thoughts & motives to worship? how does He embrace His prodigal son and weep for joy at his return? more than my helplessness or depravity, this proclaims His mercy & lovingkindness, His longsuffering and compassion.

i love my dad, with all my heart. he's not an old codger yet (still in his early 50's!), but it's humbling to see time take its toll on his body & energy too. i have an eternity to spend with my Father in heaven, but this one life to appreciate and honor my earthly dad.